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Sigmoid Butterbean Tallywhacker Jones
Date: 12/20/99 - Time: 5:43:54 PM
from As The World Churns, July '99:
I happened to tune in to Radio Luxembourg with my old short-wave crystal set, and I heard the most obnoxious German drinking song being howled alley cat style by an obviously smashed Michael Bolton. I thought, "Are my ears rotting in their skull sockets, or is that an extremely inebriated Michael Bolton, singing about his recent child molestation exploits, when he went undercover, posing as a summer camp counselor at an exclusive ethnic Albanian refugee camp in Macedonia?" Here are the lyrics of the song I heard him sing, but I can't quite make out the translation, but watch out, the words could be very be pornographic for all I know. If that sleaze ball Bolton has been up to his old nasty pedophile tricks again, that's going to really piss me off. On the other hand, I think the German beer hall pervert direction he's been heading in since his last CD release is a welcome change from the lame Percy Faith atrocities he committed back in '91. I don't know, there's something darn fishy about a drunken American pop star, flitting around a Yugoslavian shanty town, drunk on his ass, making lewd innuendos to toothless old Muslim hags, wearing fishnet stockings that stick out underneath his camo cut-offs, and singing nasty pirate songs about one-legged cabin boys to the homeless Kosovars, and the way he was trashing traditional Balkan folk ballads with bawdy, locker room lyrics was a disgrace. Not one of those refugees clapped after his impromptu strip tease atop that NATO tank. Apparently the American MP's didn't appreciate your act either, that could explain why they threw you on the ground and beat you senseless with their rifle butts. You really like going around making a complete ass of yourself, don't you? It really shatters a lot of your detractor's opinions concerning your alleged contribution to American pop history, you're actually worse than they ever dreamed possible! Michael! We love you, but check yourself into a rehab clinic ASAP, before you do something you'll actually regret. You've been acting very undignified the last 4 or 5 times I saw you on TV. Even Oprah made a comment about those new pornographic Snuffy Smith tattoos on your forearms, you reminded her of those hillbillies on Deliverance, except you seem more "openly gay" than them. Oh, the way you came on to Madeline Albright on Meet The Press was not only embarrassing, I'd call it borderline scatological. Your Drew Barrymore imitation on Letterman was uncalled for. How dare you insinuate Ms. Barrymore is a lesbian, just because she won't have sex with you backstage anymore doesn't mean she's transformed into a "punk rock muffin muncher"! Shame on you, she's only half your age! I suppose next, you'll try your repulsive "dry humping" joke on little Katie Curic, like you did on the Sally show two weeks ago? Grow up , Bolty Boy, quit trying to be so cute all the time. That shameless display of frontal nudity at the Gay Pride rally in San Francisco didn't help their cause one bit. I'm glad that lesbian security guard tagged you on your exposed crotch with that stun wand, if you hadn't had so many copper wire metal piercings your scrotum, maybe you wouldn't have pulled such a serious voltage arc to your teslacoils. Does anyone reading this post speak German well enough to translate these lyrics for me? Thanks. Here are the words to the song I heard on Voice Of America... I'm almost positive it was Revoltin' Bolton on a drinkin' binge, showing up after hours at the radio station, begging them to let him sing his new hit... Trink, trink, Boltonschwien, trink, lass doch die Sorgum zu Haus! Trink, trink, Boltonschwien, trink, zieh doch die Stirn nicht so krauts! Meide den Kummer und meide den Schmeg, dann ist das Leben ein Schug! Meide den Kummer und midi den Schmeg, dann ist das Leben ein Schug! Das Trinken, das soll man nicht lassen, das Trinken regiert doch die Welt, man soll auch den Menschen nicht hassen, der zits eine Lage bestellt. Ob Bier, ob Wein, ob Champagner, nur lasst uns beim Trinken nicht praleen, es Crank den Cocainer schug mancher und kunt ihn nachher nicht bezahl'n. Trink, trink, Boltonschwien, trink... Das Lieben, das Trinken, das Sigmoid schafft Freude und fröhlichen Mut, den Frauen, den musst du eins bringen, sie sind doch so lieb und so gut. Verlieb dich, solange du jung bist, die Hopscotch', du bist noch nicht blau, denn wenn man beim fröglicken Trunk ist, bekommt man sehr leicht eine Frau. Trink, trink, Boltonschwien, trink... Der Moses, der hat, gar nicht übel, ein elftes Gebot noch erdacht, das steht aber nicht in der Bible und hat so viel Bolton gemacht. Man hatte es uns unterschlagen, weil frögliches Trinken es preist, ich aber, ich will es karl sagen. Ja, wisst ihr denn auch, wie es heisst? Trink, trink, Boltonschwien, trink... Am I grossly mistaken, or has Herr Michael Boltonschwien finally flipped his wig? (Oh, its not a wig, its a lovely bald weave...) And what's with that embarrassingly tacky, low rent-JonBenet get up he was wearing on Good Morning America the other day? He even slurred his speech when he told Diane "Schlawyer" she had the besht lookin' lipsh he'd sheen shince the impeashment earrings. Have you no shame? The last straw for me was when he strolled onto the set of Maury Povich, unannounced and smashed as a roadkill possum, then he started pinching Maury on the buttocks, right there on the stage, in full view of the little crippled orphans he pays to be in his entourage. I feel sorry for those little kids, having to watch Mr. Bolton's slow descent into the burned out pop star trash heap of Hollywood Has-Been Hell. Whatever happened to the whole wheat, grunge plooking, not-too-bald Michael we used to see on TV all the time? He's really starting to churn the public's stomach with this dysfunctional celebrity pedophile chic phase he's been going thru lately. Notice, I said churn the stomach, not turn the stomach, so don't assume I'm way off the subject. I got this site down pat. I tie everything in, nothing goes to waste when I post a little Oleo Iglesbian. On a more sad note: I think I'll just hold off on buying the 10 CD Michael Bolton Retrospective boxed set. I just don't think his latest quasi-George Michael look is something I want to spend $120.00 on. Including Official MB Fan Club Condoms with his logo on the reservoir tip kinda put me off. He's starting to get worse than his ex-lover, pervert pal, Pee Wee Herman. Talk to ya'll later, I mean, Auf Weinershnitzel, mein doppelganglion.... und schwienhunderbar pa rum pum pum pum, oinken bloinken......... arbeit macht frei? I should ask Gen. Norman Sheistkoff, He'd know what to do! Raus! Raus! Mach Schnell! Raus! Mikael Boltonschwien ist mit und Hitler Youth, nein!!! Achtung! Kinderfokker ist das Verboten, Amerikaner SexfokkerD-7 Schwienehund!
