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from: popeye-x
216.198.7.130
10/22/00
7:43:13 PM
This was written to Kyle, my brother, after he turned down my sister's desperate plea to come "live with him"...
Kaye is homeless?
Answer me why Kaye, the only person to get a place to live out of mom's passing, even though it belongs to you and me, too, is now HOMELESS? Is it possible that DRINKING has anything remotely to do with it?
So, even though she's renting a house and keeping all the money on a house owned by ALL of us, in ADDITION to that, she also wants TO LIVE WITH YOU? Am I missing a piece of the puzzle?
How brilliant! Reminds me of when she decided to put all her money in MY bank so she could tell the IRS she was broke. When I refused to risk my own security for no gain whatsoever, she PUNISHED me by "not e-mailing anymore".
Which of course, suits me fine.
Wacky plans are a sign of DRUNKEN thoughts in progress. What about that guy... uh... her HUSBAND? Has he got a family somewhere? Oh, I see. She is there because his family is there. I sort of get it.
Wait.... I sort of DON'T get it.
Has she ever considered living with her kids in our mom's house? Hmmm? What's wrong with that option? I wish I had a fucking HOUSE to live in. Fortunately, my environs aren't HUMAN enough to qualify me for "host" status, I may live like a studio rat, but its worth it, nobody wants to leech off of me for their pathetic lifestyle.
Which of course, suits me fine.
The thing is, I don't NEED Kaye anymore, not that I EVER did, but, its quite clear, RIGHT NOW... I for sure don't need Kaye. She has nothing to offer me except BAD feelings. She makes me feel really BAD. I don't NEED that. I have no use for it. None.
But if, for some unpredictably insane reason, I needed a bunch of pointless problems all around me caused by DRINKING, if I needed THAT, I would rather cause those problems MYSELF, thank you. I am perfectly capable of doing my own DESTRUCTIVE idiocy.
The thing is... (get this concept, its pure genius...) hehe... I CHOOSE to NOT have the problems! I don't have them on purpose!!! How do I do it? Don't say "I'm lucky", even though I am extremely lucky, (but I would be BEYOND lucky in either case), so, how do I do it?
The Key To Real Freedom In This World
I control my OWN behavior! And I'm not very disciplined at all! In fact, I'm setting standards for RECORD LEVELS of unabashed laziness. The key is... I'm not WASTED out of my brain, therefore, I don't make WACKY plans, (well, I do...) but nothing that will DESTROY my opportunity to actually do EXACTLY WHAT I WANT, just about 100% of the time. I'd say I got a grip on a solid 99% of what I really want, and I maintain it about 99% of the time. Of course I want MORE, but I HAVE more, and I am constantly getting more MORE, just about 99% of the time. That's literally all I do!
Do you honestly think I would trade all that 99% of what I want, when I want, where I want, and how I want... just to BE DRUNK 99% of the time instead?
Nope. No way, Jose, not now, not then, not ever... it is simply physically IMPOSSIBLE. The alcohol won't go in my mouth and down my gullet... it just dribbles out the side and pours on the ground... I simply CAN'T drink. And I have trouble relating to someone who can't NOT drink, and I refuse to experience the DISADVANTAGES that come from doing things I purposely don't do. It may seem cruel and un-family-like, but KAYE is just not a strong enough motivation for me. Blood is thicker than water, but alcohol is ultra thin, that's why they use it as a base for THINNER, it dissolves molecular bonds, it neutralizes the chemistry that holds compounds together. In alcohol, chemicals melt and return to their original components. That's why it gets you high, it cancels the PAIN signals. PAIN is how you know what NOT to do. You can FEEL the hurt. What kind of idiot does it take to obliterate PAIN 99% of the time, desperately pretending there's nothing wrong?
Right and wrong is not just a moralistic theory... its a scientific fact. If Kaye won't subscribe to the REALITY of that fact, then she is going to have to suffer the consequences of her inaccurate decision. Helping her choose WRONG won't stop the PAIN that results. She has to ACCEPT that RIGHT is RIGHT. That's all this boils down to. Don't try to tell me its gone beyond simple logic, and "she can't help it now". That's horseshit.
That's what's known as a LIE.
She is stubbornly "rebelling" against the FACT that her drinking is WRONG, and not only will I not lift a finger to help her, even more important, I won't CARE about what happens in the least. Not one bit.
Mom did everything humanly possible, plus a little more, its up to KAYE, and Kaye alone. Mom wouldn't want me being all stressed out by Kaye like she was, no way can you convince me of that, and that goes for Kyle, too. Nope, Mom would want me to have the viewpoint I have, I'm convinced of that. And that's why they call it The End Of The Story.
