The following is an excerpt from a film script about a band. Just an average, run-of-the-mill, garage band, much like the countless other garage bands strewn across the USA. This is the story of their first gig, an event which took them by surprise.
(Trying not to let on that it is their first professional gig, the band takes the stage and talks to the audience over the P.A. system...)
SINGER : Hey, how all you birdturds doing out there?
(sporadic yelling)
GUITARIST : Yeh, they look like a bunch of concentration camp homosexuals. Ha!
(total silence)
BASSIST : They look lamer than last night's crowd. With any luck, we'll spend the night at Shoney's, picking cunt-hairs out from between our teeth!
(the whole band laughs)
SINGER : Hey, look at that chick on the second row...Hey, Darlin'! Yeah, you! How come you're hanging around with that shit-faced hippie?
DRUMMER : Wouldn't you rather just suck the band off?
GUITARIST: Me first!
BASSIST : Anybody wanna rock-n-roll?
(unanimous YEAH!)
BASSIST : You do? Well, that's too bad, cuz we only play mellow!
(unanimous BOO!)
SINGER : Aw, take it easy, you bunch of wimp-ass, toilet breath IUD babies! He was only kidding. What do you think this is, Peter, Paul, and Mary, doing a Preparation H commercial?
(the band cracks up)
BASSIST : ...Heh, heh, oh yeah, by the way, our guitar player has a message for the promoter's wife...
GUITARIST : That's right, it goes like this...Honey, you give lousy head...but you'd make great practice room glory-hole!
(an audience member yells: PLAY SOMETHING!)
SINGER : Hey, whoever said that...stand up, yeh, you...OK, EVERYBODY LISTEN, NOW!...see that guy? Wanna know why he's such a loudmouth?
(crowd: WHY?)
SINGER : Its because, when he was a baby, his mommy nursed him on dogshit until he got old enough to subsist entirely on his daddy's dungwads!!
BASSIST : Yeah, and his brain is so coated with shit, that whenever he sees a great band onstage, he has to open his big, fat, shit-gobbing yap!
GUITARIST : And the band has to put up with a fart-load of hot air from the audience which consists entirely of pampered swine-ticks that like to cluster around their favorite rectum.
DRUMMER : Yeah, this gig is like a church social for dike old ladies. Oh, well, I guess we can jam our way through.
(someone yells: ROCK-N-ROLL!)
SINGER : Whoever said that is a donkey sucking rat-dildo who frenches pay-toilets down at the bus station!
DRUMMER : One more loud yell, and we won't play!
(someone yells: DO SOMETHING!)
BASSIST : Come up here to the stage and say that to my face, butt-breath! Yeah, that's right, YOU, sitting next to hogtits,...yeah, YOU...come on!
GUITARIST : Aw, don't call him up here, since his favorite band can't blow us OFF the stage, he'll only end up blowing us ON the stage!
SINGER : Suck me first!
DRUMMER : We don't like to let walking urine samples up on the same stage as us, anyway.
SINGER : Say, there's a $10 consolation prize for anyone who can hit a security cop in the balls with a frisbee or a bottle!
(unanimous roar: YAY!!!)
BASSIST : Rock-n-roll!
(audience: YEEEEAAAAHHH____________!)
DRUMMER : That's right, copycat parasites, sap the band's energy like the vicarious leech-puppets you really are!!!
GUITARIST : Yeah, kiss the band's ass!
(someone starts the crowd chanting: PLAY SOMETHING! PLAY SOMETHING! gradually the chant becomes a dull, deafening roar)
SINGER : Take it easy...take it easy, I SAID QUIET! SHUDDUP! I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
(tense silence)
SINGER : This Band Is Not Gonna Play Unless We Have A Minute Of Complete Silence....For Meditation!
(someone yells: FUCK MEDITATION! WE WANT ROCK-N-ROLL!! whole audience: YEEEEAAAAHHHH!)
BASSIST : OK, just for that, I'm packing up my amp racks!
DRUMMER : And I'm gonna put my regular T-shirt back on!
GUITARIST : And since this butt-wipe full of blood clots can't shut-up for the band, we're gonna take all this fucking equipment back to my parents garage, where it belongs!
SINGER : I knew we shouldn't have taken this gig!
(audience: PLAY SOMETHING! COME ON ROCK-N-ROLL!)
SINGER : Too bad you pig-fucks out there had to spoil it!
(audience: PLAY SOMETHING! PLAY SOME ROCK-N-ROLL!!)
SINGER : Fuck ya'll. The roadie already put on his working gloves. He's gotta move amps, now.
(someone yells: You Won't Play Cuz You Don't Know How!)
SINGER : Anyone who thinks they can play music better than us, should come up here, and blow a tune on my one-note harmonica!
BASSIST : I just wanna say, whoever promoted this piece-o-shit gig sure did pick a lousy fucking audience!
(crowd: PLEASE PLAY! BOOGIE DOWN! ROCK IT ALL NITE LONG!)
DRUMMER : We only took this gig so we could try out our new truck, and since it works just fine, there's no reason hanging around this dump with a bunch of retarded pixies!
(various yells: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? PLAY SOME ROCK! GIVE BACK OUR MONEY!)
GUITARIST : Sorry, YOU BLEW IT!!!
(fade with crowd yelling...............)
