Hop-A-Long Capacitor:
I
just wanna say I think its about time somebody acknowledged the gol-darndest,
root-tootinest, ding-dang dadblamed, consardest sunza bitches that ever wore a
cowboy hat sideways! Yee-haw! I pert near shit muh long johns the first time I
saw a grizzly
ol' sombitch like Gabby Hayes, riding a jackass, and babbling
like a goddamned idiot for days on end about absolutely nothing at all. I didn't
much admire to be beholden to any sodbuster dumb enough to really
want to be MY sidekick, instead, I called up the Sidekick Network, and they
hooked me up with an outfit out of Lunatic, Arizona. This feller runs a local
newspaper called the Lunatic Sidekick. He's also got himself a fair sized,
electrified, chicken wire cage, and a real good stun wand. He kidnaps derelicts
and winos, and holds them prisoner at his Information Slave Ranch. The Sidekick
Network worked out a custody deal where they send a paddy wagon by the Slave
Ranch every Thursday afternoon to pick-up whoever's behind the electrified
fence. "Crustbunnies" [recruits & upgrades] are shipped
immediately to the Andy Devine Sidekick Bootcamp for a complete re-orientation.
There have been so many advances since science discovered the sidekick gene,
what was once believed to be a complete adulteration of the English language, is
now suspected of being a separate dialect of nonsense, perhaps surpassing our
present level altogether. The undecipherable
contortions of full blown frontier gibberish have been repeatedly
analyzed by computers, and they have proven to be every bit as meaningless as
originally thought, if not more. These tests also had the inexplicable adverse
effect of scrambling all the ROM's in the mainframe computer, bulk erasing vital
hard disks, and "clearing" every chip in our test instruments of any
data. The resulting out-glom of incoherent numbers and letters sound not unlike
a digital Festus Hagen in mid-ramble.
Another
grim product of the ANTI
POPEYE X FAN CLUB
Thank
you, Mr. Ed Zeppelin, for the photo image.
back to the top