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One morning, I woke up and decided, once and for all to dedicate myself to a life of drugs. I was tired of putting it off, so I resolved to stick to my convictions, and spend the rest of my life stoned. I immediately celebrated my decision by dropping some LSD and shooting up some heroin. Then, I lit a joint and squirted airplane glue all over a rag and stuffed it in a paper bag. As the heroin relaxed me and the pot made me laugh, the LSD started to flicker here and there, and I huffed heartily on the bag. Lights were flashing, jokes were flying, and I blacked out a few times.
It wasn't long before I realized I wasn't high enough. I got out
my rig and fixed a gram of speed followed by a gram of cocaine. Then, I got out some
killer pot and sprinkled PCP in it, and smoked it. I took out a gram of hash, toked it,
and helped myself to another large shot of scag. After all those drugs, you'd think I'd be
plenty high, but for some reason, I felt empty, even bored. Something was missing...
Then, by some kind of miracle, I happened to switch on the TV, just as
Brooke Shields came on with a public service announcement. She was talking about drug
abuse, how it was bad, how girls like her didn't go with guys who used drugs, and you know
what? It turned my life around completely! Now, I don't smoke, drink, or get high in any
way except for the high I get off of seeing Brooke Shields on TV and in magazines. I would
just like to say...
THANK YOU, Brooke, you saved my life.
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drunken cat background image by the unstoppable Robert Tatum